I’m not sure what it is – possibly my upcoming marriage – but recently I’ve found myself thinking about love, and in particular about the boys I loved before the love of my life came along in the form of Yawksha Boy. Yep, all two of them!
The first began back at the tender age of 11 (aww bless!). When I started high school, none of my friends from primary school came with me – I was all alone and needed to make new friends or spend 7 years in solitude. But I was a shy little thing at that age so I tried to make life easy for myself and tried to befriend the girl who was next to me in the alphabet and therefore sat next to me in class. She had already befriended a girl who lived near me, so all the better. It didn’t turn out that way though. They found another girl (one of those giggly, bitchy types who was probably queen of her class in primary school) who took against me quite rapidly. When they started making plans to go to the cinema and each other’s houses without me I decided to cut my losses and leave them to it. To be honest I didn’t particularly like them anyway but it had been better than sitting in the library alone at break and lunchtimes.
So I was a bit of a loner for a little while. But then my knight in shining armour came along. A boy – let’s call him Musical Guy – decided out of the blue to be my friend. I can’t remember quite how it all began but soon enough we were spending every minute together. We were already in the same classes but we spent all those previously lonesome break times and lunchtimes together, meandering around the corridors chatting, joking and making fun of each other. Every day I would go home having laughed until my jaw hurt at least once – even the days with double science or PE in them. I genuinely didn’t understand why someone so friendly, kind, funny and, actually, really rather popular was bothering with me, but we were happy in our little world.
At some point we started chatting on the phone every night too. I’ve always had (and have until this very day!) a phobia of speaking on the phone – I hate those awkward silences when neither conversant can think of anything to say and I just want to hang up. However I soon realised that when he rang, any silences weren’t awkward. Sometimes we would just chat about everything and nothing, other times he would play me pieces of classical music that had particularly grabbed him recently and then other times he would be doing something as random as cooking a pizza and narrating to me its progress.
As we got older we started doing things outside school together too – sometimes we would go into town after school and I would watch on with disbelief as he worked his way through 20 McNuggets at McDonalds or we would go shopping; other times he would bring me along to things at his church or music things he was performing in; other times we took advantage of cheap school-goer tickets and go see an orchestra perform, or occasionally we went to the cinema. It was perfect... except for one thing.
Almost right from the first days we walked around the corridors laughing and chatting I had developed a bit of a crush on him and didn’t dare believe he felt the same in return. As time went on and we got closer my feelings grew stronger - after 5 years it had surpassed the “fancying” stage into full blown unrequited love. I didn’t want to love him because I knew he didn’t feel the same way and besides, he was my best friend and I didn’t want anything to compromise that – I was still so grateful he spent so much time on me when he had so many other friends out there who absolutely adored him. So I resolved, again almost immediately, that my feelings should remain on the backburner – I would never tell him (what would be the point?) and we would just stay best friends. I spent a lot of time on buses practicing in my head what I would say if I ever did tell him but I knew that it was pure fantasy – it simply wasn’t worth the risk. I read enough chick lit even at that age to know that we would either end up together at the age of 30 or else we would each find an all-powerful love elsewhere when we were older.
And so it remained. I’m sure he suspected how I felt but I tried to hide it as best I could. It was only after I waved goodbye to him that I allowed myself to analyse every time he had touched my arm or said something nice to me that day. I can’t remember the occasion (possibly because the rest of the world fell away at that moment) but there was one time he held my hand and squeezed it tight. I’m certain it was a friendly gesture but I remember my heart stopped beating and my breath caught in my throat for just a second. Unrequited love is painful but it’s also powerful – I (obviously!) no longer feel that way about him but I still remember how much love I felt for him at moments like that or when I watched him play the flute or the piano.
You see, he is a music genius – one of those people for whom that phrase about picking up any instrument and being able to play it was invented. But it wasn’t just how well he played the notes – it was that when he played it was like you could feel he was putting all his heart and soul into the music. He often played at school events and concerts and I know for a fact that most of the girls in the audience (and perhaps some of the boys!) were smitten when he played. In fact most people in the school thought we were a couple and didn’t believe us when we denied it so on more than one occasion I was on the end of some jealous girl’s evil eye.
Unfortunately when we got to around the age of 16, the girl with the jealousy was me. First of all he had a crush on a gorgeous blonde friend of ours. She was one of those perfect girls – white-blonde hair, pretty elfin features, smart, funny witty and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. And, of course, a fellow musical genius (although she was a violinist). He denied his feelings about her on more than one occasion but they were written all over his face every time he spoke to her. Whether he genuinely loved her or it was only a crush on an unobtainable girl (she had a boyfriend) I’ll never know, but she was so nice that it was difficult to resent her. Besides, he was still spending as much time with me as he ever had. Little did I know that she would (unwittingly) be the start of the end for my friendship with him.
You see, she knew how I felt about him and, in her ever-optimistic spirit, decided he felt the same way. So one day, she told him how I felt! When she told me what she’s done it was the first time I had ever been annoyed at her. I begged her to call him when she got home to explain to him that I never expected us to become a couple, that I didn’t want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship and that I just wanted everything to remain how it was. She said she would ask him to call me when she’d spoken to him so I knew the deed was done. It was the first time I had ever dreaded the phone ringing and him being on the other end. Eventually, after what felt like 20 years, he did call. It was the most awkward conversation of my life. After the initial “Did she call you and explain? Are you ok? I’m really sorry” horror, we tried to speak normally but it was stilted and awful. I think I cried myself to sleep that night.
I remember being so nervous about seeing him in person the next day, dreading that our friendship was over, and then being so relieved when everything seemed normal (or as normal as it could be). Our blonde friend tried her best to joke around and make everything as normal as possible, bless her. I have no idea what she may have said to him but I think she did help matters a lot – I was grateful even though she had caused it in the first place. Part of me thought “well at least now he knows – he doesn’t feel the same but I never expected him to – but at least now I know for sure” while the other part was still horrified and was trying desperately to assure him through what I said and my actions that I was telling the truth when I said I only wanted to be his friend and that anything else I felt wouldn’t get in the way. Whereas before our conversations would have had an innocent, light flirtation about them sometimes, it was now missing from both of us – him because he didn’t want to lead me on and me because I was determined to show him I didn’t expect anything romantic.
Over time it was, well, not forgotten about, but it became less of a feature – we continued to laugh and joke and hang out with our friends and everything was ok. I even managed to move on now that I knew he wasn’t interested and I fell for my other male best friend (I know, it sounds like the plot of a bad rom com – more in Part 2!). I’m sure Musical Guy was relieved by my interest in someone else and so our friendship started to get back to normal. Or so I thought.
What I didn’t realise until a few months down the line was that the power dynamics in our relationship had changed. I found myself waiting around for ages or going to get him lunch or being left sitting alone in the study room while he went off to stalk the latest girl of his affections (our blonde friend had moved schools and his affections had moved on to another mutual friend, this one also musical and intelligent – although not scarily so – skinny, with brunette curly hair). I don’t know if he realised he was treating me badly at the time never mind that he was upsetting me so much, but he became very selfish. I was no longer in love with him but I still loved him as my best friend of 5 to 6 years and craved his attention in that respect. I didn’t understand why he changed so suddenly, why he had become so selfish and why suddenly I was his lapdog rather than his friend. I put it down to his frustrations at being in love with our brunette friend when she had a boyfriend outside school and wasn’t interested –after all I knew how that felt – but it still tore me up.
Around this time, mainly when he had deserted me and I had no-one else to talk to, I started hanging around more with a group of girls I became friends with, ironically through him. They found me funny and we became quite close, which built my confidence. Eventually, with exam stress adding to my worries, I told Musical Guy that his behaviour was upsetting me. He was less than understanding and I felt like I was a child being told off by their father for being too needy. So I snapped and told him that if that’s how he felt maybe we should just stop acting at the farce that our friendship had become – he could get on with chasing after our brunette friend and I could get on with my life without acting as his skivvy. He agreed.
I cried all night, staring out the window on to the empty street below, while all the songs that used to make me think of him played in the background. But while I was mourning for the loss of our friendship, he had hurt me so much that I was crying through embarrassment at being taken for a fool for so long. And so as the sun rose, I shook myself out of it, told myself he had made his decision, I had made mine and that I had wasted enough time and tears on him.
I had friends who did appreciate me now and when I told them what happened, they backed me all the way. They still remained his friend of course but they welcomed me into their group with open arms and we spent break times, lunchtimes and study periods together. It was strange at first to be part of a big group after it had been just me and Musical Guy a lot of the time for so long, but I really enjoyed being able to sit back and let the conversation wash around me when I didn’t want to talk. I also enjoyed not being used as some kind of unpaid butler.
Of course Musical Guy and I were in some of the same classes still and all the things we had previously done together (choir, orchestra, etc) so we still saw each other. At first the sight of him made me angry and I studiously ignored him, making sure I looked like I was having fun with my other friends and not missing him at all. As time went on it stopped becoming an act. I even managed to say hello in a civil way to him a few times. By the end of school, age 18, we had progressed to the point where we could converse and even joke a little in a group but we never spoke alone – I was still too hurt in a way but also my life was different now and he wasn’t a big part of it any more.
University beckoned and we went our separate ways. After a while I also split up with my group of female friends from school (that’s a whole other story but not worthy of telling really) but met some new friends at Uni and remained best friends with the aforementioned other “man I’ve loved before”. Occasionally I saw Musical Guy round and about (it’s a small world) and more recently than that we ended up seeing each other every other week at a pub quiz we both went to, but things are different now. When we went to uni and I didn’t have to see him (and be reminded of all that had passed) every day, the space allowed me to forgive him. Ain’t retrospect grand?
I can’t remember the details of when and where but I remember that after we’d left school we spoke on MSN Messenger one evening and he apologised for how he had treated me. I can’t remember what I said but I hope I told him that he had hurt me deeply but that his apology was accepted and all was forgiven. We’ve actually been out a few times since then too, him with his new lady (who is just the sort of woman he needs to keep him in check!) and me with Yawksha Boy. And do you know, it was fun. The murky past was forgotten about and we just conversed like normal friends.
Actually we spoke briefly last night on Facebook too (perhaps another reason I’ve been thinking about this topic?) and it’s safe to say that things are fine now – we have a very different sort of friendship. It’s a little strange to be the sort of friends who catch up every now and then but otherwise don’t really think about each other very often when what we had when we were younger was so very different, but I’m just glad it’s all turned out ok in the end.
They say that you never forget your first love and I can say that it’s very true. However I know that those feelings are now just memories. What I have with Yawksha Boy is so much deeper and, most importantly, he actually loves me back for some reason, bless his wit! There really is no sense in dwelling in the past but, Musical Guy, you will always hold a special little place in my heart – you were one of the best friends I ever had and I’m so thankful for what time we did have together – the good times and the bad times we had made me into a better and stronger person and I have so many happy memories of my teenage years – so thank you.
Tune in for Part 2 when I can be bothered to write it! Have a good weekend all! xxx
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